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Tuesday, 29 September 2009

  • Currently
    It's Blitz!
    By Yeah Yeah Yeahs
    Skeleton (Accoustic)
    see related

    Empty office...thinking.

    I hate it when I have to extend my stay at the office because of some Fedex package that hasn't been picked up. So I thought to myself why not kill the time by writing an entry in your weblog since you haven't done in awhile...problem with that I always have a hard time thinking about what to write.

    I don't go out much. I don't really do much. I have some guys I know at my job who constantly try to get me out to hit a bar, to do the things they find fun. So I go out for drinks or to play pool. I have a hard time thinking about what to talk about most of the time or how to react in certain situations.

    I feel more detached now a days. I keep hearing the same kind of questions from the same people who want to know if I've thought about my plans for the future. Let's not even talk about the future & focus on the present. I work, I pay my bills & I get to do some things on the side that keep me from going mental.

    Friends come & friends go. The few who bother to keep in touch with a guy like me I sometimes wonder if they do it cause they think I can use the company. I don't know sometimes. I don't think I'm a bad guy, I can just be cold sometimes. I messed up a lot of things but there's no use dwelling on that. It's a part of life right?

    These are the things that help shape you as a person right? Sometimes I just have this lingering feeling that something is fucked up & I don't think anyone else notices it but me. Maybe it's just me being pessimistic but I honestly feel that way.

Sunday, 05 July 2009

  • The breaking of blood ties

    Not too long ago there was an altercation in my home. There always seems to be some kind of argument over the dumbest things & my sisters (Ariana, the youngest & Olivia, the second oldest) are usually the cause of this constant turmoil at the household. I firmly believe without a doubt that something is wrong with Ariana. She's always confrontational, bitter & to just put it bluntly... a bitch. Now going back to what happened, the argument was reaching it's climax & I got in the middle to try & calm things down. She made me so angry in the process that I snapped. Some obscenities were exchanged & I slapped her.

    I won't lie, it felt pretty damn good. In heated arguments she calls Olivia & me animals. Yet she doesn't realize how incomprehensible a person she can be. She has to be right, never wrong. How can a person communicate with someone who refuses to accept that there always a chance to be fallible? No one is perfect. So in the aftermath Ariana declares me dead as a brother which is fine by me. I could care less.

    As a person I can't stand her anyway. So ends the blood ties, don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way out. Funny thing about doors, she slams them when she's angry. What the hell does that do? A door is an inanimate object, a door holds no ties to my physical being or psyche whatsoever...so slamming them won't inflict any harm to me at all. It only serves to amuse me. One day you'll come to understand why I smacked you & why you deserved it.

    So you get no help from me.

    We're done.

    Finito.

    Kaputz!

    So keep slamming your doors, I'll keep on laughing at you for it.

    Idiot.

Saturday, 04 July 2009

  • Currently
    In Rainbows
    By Radiohead
    Videotape
    see related

    Limits

    I'm tired.

    I'm tired of waking up unhappy with no energy to even get out of the damn bed, dragging my feet to just get to the bathroom & brush my teeth, take a leak, comb my hair, put on some clothes & walk out the door with nothing to look forward to but the job.

    The menial pay.

    The pathetic social life... which I admit is mostly my fault.

    I push people away.

    It's not like I don't want to be around people, it's just that sometimes I have days when I just can't do it. I don't know why I am the way I am. I should take my sisters advice about seeing a psychologist. Maybe I need to vent but then again I don't feel that venting out whatever I feel verbally is going to do anything for me. I need a change. I need an epiphany. I need to feel inspired, optimistic, hopeful... but I don't.

    I feel drained.

    What keeps this existence of mine going?

    When will I hit my limit?

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OliversLament

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    • Name: OliversLament
    • Gender: Male
    • Member Since: 7/4/2009

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  • Somethin’ filled up my heart with nothin’, someone told me not to cry. But now that I’m older, my heart’s colder, and I can see that it’s a lie.

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